Selfish Machine

im just a selfish machine.
i wish i had a time machine
i wish i could take back everything that ever happened
i wish i could apologize
i wish i could see you one last time
i wish things would have been okay between us
i wish you wouldn't have acted the way you dod
i wish i didnt push you away
i wish i could hear your voice once more time
i wish i could just call your home phone and know youd answer
i wish i knew what caused your death
i wish i would have gotten closer to you
i wish i was old enough to remember a lot about you
i wish you were still here
i wish YOU were here
i wish i could be with you
i wish you were together still
i wish this life wasnt so confusing
i wish i could go back in time
i wish i was a scientist
i wish i had all the asnwers
i wish everything was simple
i wish there was nothing but peace
i wish i would wake up one day and youd still be here.
i wish i could wake up and be at your house and tell you all about my crazy dream and how i had a dream you died and i moved to forest with dad and met all these people
i wish you didnt treat me as an item
i wish i didnt still miss you
i wish things would have gone better with us
i wish i could save you
i wish i oculd have sved you
i wish you the best of luck
and none of this will ever matter, because i'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions because i am a selfish machine.

I have depression. There isn't anything i can do about that, i'm stuck with it for a long time. sure i can take medicines for it, but does it really help? i don't think so. i am on 150 MG of anti depressants, and everyday is a struggle. so many reasons to be happy, but yet i find more reasons to want to die. 

everyday i want to die.

my faith makes me want to die.

people make me wanna die.

living makes me wanna die.

school makes me wanna die.

work makes me wanna die.

i wish there was a away i could escape this madness.

maybe depression isnt a real thing, and youre just fucking insane so people tell you you are "depressed" because there is no explanation for wanting to die.

sleep is a struggle. 

i have insomnia, but i don't take my medicine.

i guess that's my own problem.

i have nobody to blame but myself for being a worthless piece of atoms.

i wish i had answers to everything.

every damn question that i have, have ever had, about anything, i just wish there was a way to know what i want to know.

i want to know if there is a heaven or a hell so that way if there isn't i can fuck up as much as i want and not have to worry about spending all eternity burning.

but would i feel it if i did?

would my soul be someone elses?

would i be a different kid in another life?

when i die, another kid will be born, and i hope to god that kid doesn't suffer what i do.

i want to be that  kid.

i hate that so many people suffer from this terrible disease. 

when you're little, all you're worried about is making the good list, and makiing sure you keep up with your teeth when you lose them so you can get 25 cents for it. 

but now, being 17 years old, 

i question everything.

i question my existence and the existence of others. i question my own health.

i wonder why i have to live through this every day if i have thoughts of suicide.

is it a normal thing?

does everyone think about wanting to die?

does medicine really help with wanting to die?

what happens when youre dying?

what does it feel like to die?

is it a scary thing?

is it a good feeling?

are you still you after you die?

do you wonder around?

does everyone just have to deal with not seeing you but you have ways to assure them youre there?

would people be deeply hurt if i died?

or would it be one of those situations where some people know, others dont,

they'd get a little slip of paper saying

"i hate to inform you that a student, XXXX XXXX has died"

and how many kids would have to ask what i looked like?

how many would forget who i am?

how many would automatically be in shock over it?

how many people would be in denial over it?

what is the meaning of life?

if all we do is live for 75 years, and then die, why is there man kind?

do we REALLY have a purpose?

are we just wasted space?

is there ever going to become a moment when we go extinct?

will another species take dominate and will they all get along and will there be peace rather than war?

will that species really wonder why us humans act the way we do, and why there are all these mental disorders.

how restrictive does this make me to accomplishing my dreams?

will it let me?

will they tell me they can't trust me because of the fact that i am myself on medication and maybe i would do anything to make myself feel  better.

such as taking a patients needed medication?

which, for the record, i would never do.

i would rather down gallons and gallons of alcohol and get very intoxicated and not feel a thing, but unfortunately wake up feeling the same thing i was before, but that would be okay because then i could drown myself in toxins again forget any worry i had. 

any worry i would ever have.

they would all be gone and the only worry i would have would be making sure i can walk straight.

i'm not exactly sure how to cope with my disease. 

i lack those skills. 

i don't know how to talk to people about this disease either.

it is a very stupid thing and knowing i have this stupid disease makes everything worse.

i wish i could have just gone and stayed undiagnosed like other humans in this world.

i could be sad and have a reason for it.

but now that i know that i have this stupid disease, i dont have a reason to be sad, and so it just happens. 

maybe it's a fiction of my imagination.

am i really sad or is it more along the lines of i need something to be upset about.

whatever the reason is, it's stupid and i want it to go away.